Thursday, May 26, 2011

Wake up Beautiful

I'm going to try and lean away from making this post sound like a mello-dramatic emo post where all I do is complain about finding my true self and ramble on for hours about how I don't know who I am or what I'm doing .... i'm gonna try really... however here's the song of inspiration for this post.

I'm losing myself tryin? to compete
With everyone else instead of just being me
Don't know where to turn
I've been stuck in this routine
I need to change my ways
Instead of always being weak

I don't wanna be afraid
I wanna wake up feeling beautiful today
And know that I'm okay
Cause everyone's perfect in their usual way
So you see, I just wanna believe in me

The mirror can lie
Doesn't show you what's inside
And it, it can tell you you're full of life
It's amazing what you can hide
Just by putting on a smile

I don't wanna be afraid
I wanna wake up feeling beautiful today
And know that I'm okay
?Cause everyone's perfect in their usual way
So you see, I just wanna believe in me

I'm quickly finding out
I'm not about to break down, not today
I guess I always knew
That I had all the strength to make it through

And I cannot be afraid
I'm gonna wake up feeling beautiful today
And know that I'm okay
?Cause everyone's perfect in their usual way
So you see, now, now I believe in me
Now I believe in me

[Believe In Me - Demi Lovato]

     As much as I don't want to say it this is how I have been feeling lately. There is a part of me that kinda feels pathetic for sharing this with the world but I guess at this point I don't really care. I have gone back and forth so many times on whether I made the right decision or not about coming out here. I feel like I lost that initial drive that I had and vision for College Younglife in Arkansas, as much as I do love that place and am so excited for what's going to happen in Conway in the fall. Whether it's college life or Wyldlife or just being another high school leader things are going to happen that are going to be great. One of my friends even wants to start Caperneum. Then there is another side of me that wants to hop the next plane back to the pacific northwest and escape the humidity, snakes, hot weather, tornadoes and moths the size of teredactyls and visit Kentwood one more time, have coffee with my old YL leader and best friend at the drive thru Starbucks with the big comfy chairs, see my mom and my grandma, take a ferry ride to Bainbridge then hop on I-5 S and watch the sunset on the Oregon coastline and grab my friends and my boots and go to Eagles on a Thursday night then spend the weekend at the Canyon where I can smell Juniper and the John Day river. In all my years of Girl Scout camping and trips around the world I have never been homesick until now. 
    Then there are times where I find myself more at home then I've ever been. When it's just me and God sitting at tee 18 of the frisbee golf course in a rocking chair with a kerr jar of homemade sweet tea I can make it look like I've lived here all my life with the biggest southern accent that you have ever heard and fit in just fine. I know this is the ministry that I am suppose to be a part of but I never thought it would be so lonely at times. I have connected really well with our intern class and I am so excited to get to spend the summer with them and see what relationships will last a life time but .... i don't know I still feel like the person that they are seeing isn't really me. I think that's because I'm not really sure what that means at the moment. I love my job but it's a completely different job then I have EVER had. Any one who knows me well enough, the last place they would EVER place me is behind a desk at a computer for eight hours a day. They all think that I'm this super great artist who has been painting all my life when in reality, I'm not that good and I started painting like... i don't know a couple months ago because my roommate wanted to paint one day and we had a bunch of canvas. I like it but it's not what I do, nor has ever been what I've done. I've never felt this way at a Younglife camp before. Even at Malibu. I've always felt right at home. But everything is so different here. Property actually goes home at the end of the day. I feel like I never see them. Everyone always wants to leave camp and I don't understand why. Cell phones actually work here so everyone has them all the time. I still think that "oh i'm at camp, it doesn't work"... so i leave it at home. I've never had a sister so needless to say living with ten other girls and getting use to sharing clothing has been interesting. No one will go dancing with me and everyone things cap-sacs are dumb. I have to say yes mam and yes sir now. I'm trying really hard but it's so hard to remember, especially since last time I said that, it meant I had an attitude and was being sassy and got in trouble. but I have to say it. It's kinda cool that people actually look each other in the eye when you walk down the street but it's still a little strange thinking that random strangers are staring at me. I'm not saying i don't like it. I love it, really I do... it's just different. I'm trying really hard to adjust but I'm really far away from home. 2632 miles actually. And it's not just for the summer. I have an Arkansas licence now. Everything I have ever known is on the other side of the country and to be honest, i'm trying really hard and I do like it here but it's really hard. 
     I guess just pray for me. I have to get a blood test soon and I'm scared. I don't want to do it but I have to. I need to get other things checked out too. Not to mention everything that is going on with my family right now and i'm too far away to do anything about it. I love where I am but I feel so lost right now and I don't know how to shake it. Sorry for my ramble. I promise the next one won't be this down. I just want to wake up feeling beautiful. 
SharpTop Cove
76 Camp Hope Rd
Jasper, GA 30143

Write if you want :) 

Til the next new day ♥ ,

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Starting to feel like home

Work week is here at SharpTop cove and i can gonestly say that that weekend and today it's really started to sink in that this is my HOME for the next couple months. Yes the Washington Family Ranch : Creekside opened up thia weekend and as much as it killed me to mot be there, STC is my home now and I love it! I am surrounded by the beautiful Georgia hills and one of the greatest families I could ask for! I have 3 brothers and have gotten very use to living with guys and being frienss with guys but now I have 10 sisters living in the same house with me! I never thought i would ever be excited tk live in a house with 10 other girls but I am!!! This is my family under the Father. These are the sisters he has given me to share life with. We've only all known each other for a couple days but already it feels like community. I love my sisters <3 [jenna, erin, camille, anne spencer, lee ann, dani, octavia, clark, maggie and jess]

With work week being here I also get to see the Conway folks who have come to volunteer. Just seeing them again has reminded me that even when I move back to the Ark, I have a family waiting there for me as well. It was so good to see all of them roll up and eat dinner with them, sit in club next to them and just know that they are here for the next week and I get to see them when I get back to Arkansas in the fall.

When God wanta you somewhere, He's going to take care of you and one of the ways she does that is community. We are called to live with each other in His family as the body of Christ. Just like Jesus told Nathaniel, "i saw you in the fig tree".... I saw you in before you came out, while you were trying to hide from me. He not only saw us but knew us. He knows what we need and we need each other.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

First 2 Weeks

So the first couple weeks at SharpTop, I'm not gonna lie, have been a little tough. But as I get more and more into my job and into the camp I am starting to feel more and more at home. So here is a rundown of the first two weeks having Georgia on my mind:

      I arrived the weekend before Easter. Anne said I could wait till Monday because everyone was   going  to be gone but it was ok. I figured, I live in a college town in Arkansas, everyone is going to be gone there too. I got in semi late that night, it's about 9-10 hours from Conway to STC. I thought I was going to take I-40 through Tennessee but my GPS took me a very strange way that put me from AR to TN to MS to AL to GA back to TN back to GA back to TN and finally into GA and down to SharpTop Cove. let's just say i'm never doing that again. 

     I was glad I came for Easter though. I worked one day and then we had the weekend off so I got to hang out with the interns who stayed for the holiday and then we went to the Korpita's for dinner and I got to met some more of the property staff there. These people are awesome, and they are so fascinated with the fact that I had never had Chick Fil A or sweet tea.... well mainly Chad. it was a good weekend to move in. 
The Wheelhouse Club Room.
My favorite building on property.
     The next two weeks were a lot of jumping right into my job! I got an office, for now, and a name tag, for good! lol it makes me feel official. Just getting more comfortable with the phones and answering questions and where things are on the computer and not having to forward every phone call on to Anne because I actually know what I'm doing now has made things get smoother and easier. I got to help with turnover twice which I really loved. Not because I like to clean things, despite what you may think but because I got to hang out with the other year long interns. I have really liked getting to know them and bonding with all of them has been awesome.
      We had our summer planning meeting this morning and we got a taste of what summer is actually going to look like. Ya know, I don't think it's going to be that bad as I thought. Tuesday is my day off, I think I'll get off in time Wednesday to watch tableau or at least part of that night, and my hours the other days aren't so bad. Plus I get to interact a lot with the head leaders and the rest of the assignment team which I am actually pretty excited about. I like details, and I like being able to help. I'm a helper it's what I do. And now that I actually know what I'm doing around the office I feel a lot more confident being one of the main go to people in the office and around camp. We've had a couple camps in the last couple weeks so it's kinda been a small dry run before summer hits. All the yearlongs are on their summer rotations, and Jenna's here! She's another summer, she'll be on the waterfront. Plus the other summer interns are only days away! Some, well one (Brett on ropes), will come on Thursday for training for Certified Operators and then the rest come 2 days later! Plus after that we have work week then helllloooo summer! I'm excited :)
The Office where I work
     So right now my job consists of the Adult Guest Program, Work Crew, a little help with summer staff and office duties including answering the phones and responding to emails and making 200 copies of the camp map. I really do like it though. I love the people I see in the office all the time, although I sometimes forget to hang out with the other interns but I'm sure once summer hits that it'll all work it self out. I mean hanging out with the interns is kinda written into my schedule, haha. I am excited to get to know everyone though. I have loved living with the girls and some of the summer interns have started talking to each other and I feel like I already know them! All I'm sayin is as much as I miss the Ranch and it will always be my home, and I'm excited for things to happen in Conway with Younglife at UCA.....
It's gonna be a good summer at SharpTop :)

Til the next new day ♥ ,