Saturday, April 23, 2011

HUMBLED [to say the least]

     First a little update...  I have been at my new home in Jasper, GA for about 4 days now and while I worked for a day and then we got a 3 day weekend because of Easter, I love it so much! I am so glad to be back on a property again, and while it's not the Canyon I know that we are here for the same purpose and I can't not wait to experience all that SharpTop Cove is in the coming months. It has it's own glory and magnificance that I can't put into words. Today was gorgeous and tomorrow I get to spend Easter with my new summer family :)

    Now for what's on the plate for tonight.... Every morning I have gotten in the habit of listening to a podcast either from Grace City Church in Corvallis, the Onyx House in Eugene or The Way from Solid Rock in Portland. Right now I am going through the 3 part (and famous) Loveology series from John Mark at The Way and this morning I was humbled to my knees and slapped in the face to say the least. I was on part 2 this morning and he was talking about how he believes there are "4 marks to a Godly relationship" and referred to the Song of Songs (Solomon) which is an ancient love poem between Solomon and his wife. The 4 things he is referring to are:
1. Pursuit 2. Passion 3. Purity and 4. Purpose.
     Now while I am not currently in a relationship, and most of you know was pretty hurt by the last one, the best time to learn about how to be in a Godly, loving, Christ centered relationship is now while I am single and maturing and preparing to someday be married rather than in the midst of one I have already screwed up. Now the first 3 marks that John Mark was talking about were awesome and jam packed with things right out of the Bible and so good to hear but not really something I haven't heard before or thought of. I'm not saying they were boring, they were awesome and did give me a little slap on the cheek saying "Hello Mcfly! Remember how you screwed up before? Use these words to not screw up the next one."....  but the last one, purpose had an element that knocked me to my knees in repentance and here's why.... Brendon and I dated too long. That's it. Plain and simple. We should have broken up probably a 1.5 if not 2 years earlier than we did. We were both too blind by sin we had let into our relationship to understand and see that we were not made for each other.
     Now here is where I am going to be completely honest with you guys, the entire time we were dating and even up until maybe this morning I had a sense of pride in myself that I thought I was better than him. I really don't know where it came from but if you were to ask me I would have believed that he was the one dating up. I would never admit it, even to myself but now I realize what it was. I thought I was so cool!! wow was I wrong! I thought I was better looking than he was, I thought I was more in shape than he was, I thought my social status was higher and I don't even know how you measure that by the way,  I thought I was more "on track with God" because I was a younglife leader and doing summer staff and in all these small groups and volunteered at the church, I had all these completely screwed up lies about how cool I thought I was and then it even carried on into the break up! I thought because I was the one who broke up with him that I was in better shape. I thought that I deserved to be the one to find another relationship first. I expected him to be fighting for me, wanting to get back together when in reality in ended up being me and I wasn't ok with that. I have no idea how but I had put myself on this pedestal thinking that I was better than him and the moment that another girl walked into his life before I had the chance to find someone else I fell even harder ever. It crushed me not because I still wanted to be with him (which is what I would have told you at the time) but because I thought that I should be first and why him? what good is he? But yall that is the dumbest thing I have ever heard in my life.
     Brendon is a great man. He's worked incredibly hard for everything that he has, he holds a degree in Business Management with a minor in Sports Administration and one of the only people I know to complete in 4 years, he had built a company from scratch and is living his dream in the music industry making the details happen for not only a band that he believes in but 4 of his best friends. He comes from a great family and parents who love him, believe in him and loves each other and the Lord, he's caring and has the ability to make anybody feel safe, he loves his job and cares about his customers and the town he grew up in and has built him to the person and man he is today. Yeah he has his flaws but who doesn't? We're human. Today Brendon is engaged to be married to Bethany, a great girl who believes in him and is the love of his life, and while some (even me until recently) can say what they want about the age difference or the time line of events from our break up to their engagement but reality is he is worthy of someone to share his life with and so is she. We dated too long, we let sin enter the relationship blinding us from what needed to happen and my own pride destroyed us and me. I am glad that when he knew that she was the one God placed in his life, he acted on that. Each relationship needs to have a purpose and "what's your name" to "i do" does not need to take a bazillion years unless you absolutely have to.
     I know that for the next couple years God has put me in a position where finding a man is not on the "to do list." I need to focus on being the right person and letting that happen on His time, which I have a feeling won't be for a while but when it does, I don't want to "date" for years again. I have told a lot of people, and I am sorry for this, that I thought Brendon and Bethany are moving too fast but in all honestly I'm jealous. I want what he found and I know it's not going to be for a while because I have other things to do first and it yeah it's going to take me awhile to be ok with that but it's not up to me. I know I am going to be in Conway for a while finishing school and trying to build a new college ministry and I know eventually I want to serve as a yearlong intern at another property and that's my focus not a relationship and honestly it's going to be really hard!!!! I like being in a relationship and I think that's why God is saying "no, right now you are mine."
    So Brendon and Bethany, if either one of you ever sees this which I doubt you will but, I honesty and truly wish you the best in your life together. You were made for each other <3

"Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you by the gazelles and by the does of the field: Do not arouse or awake love until it so desires.....Arise, come, my darling, my beautiful one, come with me" 
                                                                                                                - Song of Songs ch 2

Til the next new day ♥ ,


  1. Wow, Good words Jillian! Keep up the good work!

  2. Jill I love and appreciate your honesty in this blog. You are so beautiful and you will have your Prince someday. It was so encouraging to read this, and gosh it just makes me miss you. I love you dear friend, and I can't wait til the next time I can see you!