I'm going to try and lean away from making this post sound like a mello-dramatic emo post where all I do is complain about finding my true self and ramble on for hours about how I don't know who I am or what I'm doing .... i'm gonna try really... however here's the song of inspiration for this post.
I'm losing myself tryin? to compete With everyone else instead of just being me Don't know where to turn I've been stuck in this routine I need to change my ways Instead of always being weak I don't wanna be afraid I wanna wake up feeling beautiful today And know that I'm okay Cause everyone's perfect in their usual way So you see, I just wanna believe in me The mirror can lie Doesn't show you what's inside And it, it can tell you you're full of life It's amazing what you can hide Just by putting on a smile I don't wanna be afraid I wanna wake up feeling beautiful today And know that I'm okay ?Cause everyone's perfect in their usual way So you see, I just wanna believe in me I'm quickly finding out I'm not about to break down, not today I guess I always knew That I had all the strength to make it through And I cannot be afraid I'm gonna wake up feeling beautiful today And know that I'm okay ?Cause everyone's perfect in their usual way So you see, now, now I believe in me Now I believe in me [Believe In Me - Demi Lovato]
As much as I don't want to say it this is how I have been feeling lately. There is a part of me that kinda feels pathetic for sharing this with the world but I guess at this point I don't really care. I have gone back and forth so many times on whether I made the right decision or not about coming out here. I feel like I lost that initial drive that I had and vision for College Younglife in Arkansas, as much as I do love that place and am so excited for what's going to happen in Conway in the fall. Whether it's college life or Wyldlife or just being another high school leader things are going to happen that are going to be great. One of my friends even wants to start Caperneum. Then there is another side of me that wants to hop the next plane back to the pacific northwest and escape the humidity, snakes, hot weather, tornadoes and moths the size of teredactyls and visit Kentwood one more time, have coffee with my old YL leader and best friend at the drive thru Starbucks with the big comfy chairs, see my mom and my grandma, take a ferry ride to Bainbridge then hop on I-5 S and watch the sunset on the Oregon coastline and grab my friends and my boots and go to Eagles on a Thursday night then spend the weekend at the Canyon where I can smell Juniper and the John Day river. In all my years of Girl Scout camping and trips around the world I have never been homesick until now. Then there are times where I find myself more at home then I've ever been. When it's just me and God sitting at tee 18 of the frisbee golf course in a rocking chair with a kerr jar of homemade sweet tea I can make it look like I've lived here all my life with the biggest southern accent that you have ever heard and fit in just fine. I know this is the ministry that I am suppose to be a part of but I never thought it would be so lonely at times. I have connected really well with our intern class and I am so excited to get to spend the summer with them and see what relationships will last a life time but .... i don't know I still feel like the person that they are seeing isn't really me. I think that's because I'm not really sure what that means at the moment. I love my job but it's a completely different job then I have EVER had. Any one who knows me well enough, the last place they would EVER place me is behind a desk at a computer for eight hours a day. They all think that I'm this super great artist who has been painting all my life when in reality, I'm not that good and I started painting like... i don't know a couple months ago because my roommate wanted to paint one day and we had a bunch of canvas. I like it but it's not what I do, nor has ever been what I've done. I've never felt this way at a Younglife camp before. Even at Malibu. I've always felt right at home. But everything is so different here. Property actually goes home at the end of the day. I feel like I never see them. Everyone always wants to leave camp and I don't understand why. Cell phones actually work here so everyone has them all the time. I still think that "oh i'm at camp, it doesn't work"... so i leave it at home. I've never had a sister so needless to say living with ten other girls and getting use to sharing clothing has been interesting. No one will go dancing with me and everyone things cap-sacs are dumb. I have to say yes mam and yes sir now. I'm trying really hard but it's so hard to remember, especially since last time I said that, it meant I had an attitude and was being sassy and got in trouble. but I have to say it. It's kinda cool that people actually look each other in the eye when you walk down the street but it's still a little strange thinking that random strangers are staring at me. I'm not saying i don't like it. I love it, really I do... it's just different. I'm trying really hard to adjust but I'm really far away from home. 2632 miles actually. And it's not just for the summer. I have an Arkansas licence now. Everything I have ever known is on the other side of the country and to be honest, i'm trying really hard and I do like it here but it's really hard. I guess just pray for me. I have to get a blood test soon and I'm scared. I don't want to do it but I have to. I need to get other things checked out too. Not to mention everything that is going on with my family right now and i'm too far away to do anything about it. I love where I am but I feel so lost right now and I don't know how to shake it. Sorry for my ramble. I promise the next one won't be this down. I just want to wake up feeling beautiful. SharpTop Cove 76 Camp Hope Rd Jasper, GA 30143